Tough, tough toys for tough tough boys

This week: war films, the death of Miles Kingston and remarks on Kigali's new upper-class club

The other day I blogged about how annoyed I was that Science-fiction didn't get the recognition it richly deserves. About a week ago I was thinking the same applies to war films. I'm not talking about the cartoonish ones like Rambo that no one should take seriously- I'm talking about the classics which show war as it really is.
I was thinking about this because I had one of those '6 in 1' DVD's to devour one Saturday evening and this one was a compilation of some of the best war films ever made. I had seen Platoon in a state of extreme intoxication while I was at University and although most of it flew over my head, I was still aware that I was in the presence of greatness. Having watched it again, I'm glad to say that I was right. Infact I think the title of greatest war film is a tossup between Platoon and Thin Red Line (which I had seen more than once before) There were two more good ones on there- casualties of war and A bright shining lie.
In Platoon, Charlie Sheen's fellow soldiers cannot believe he volunteered for the war but it makes sense-having grown up in a well-to-do family, the war in Vietnam to him is more abstract than anything else. For the rest of the men in his platoon, most of whom have been drafted for the war, the war is all too real: a hellish nightmare of hours in the mud and nights spent sleeping in the jungle and dodging bullets, bombs and snakes regularily-acutely aware that any second might be their last. Basically to borrow someone else's phrase, they are all falling apart piece by piece. Things very quickly take a Lord of the Flies turn and Sheen's character watches nearly everyone around him degenerate into savage behaviour. Talking about morals or what is right rings hollow because after all this is war-the ordinary rules that hold together the outside world are no longer held to apply by members of the platoon. It's Philip Zimbardo's prison experiment carried out to its full conclusion. Infact Platoon has more profound things to say about the human condition than 95 percent of the films released these days with such gems of wisdom as 'follow your heart/dreams' or 'Find yourself' or whatever rubbish their marketing people have thought up to try and make you think the film isnt crap.
With Thin Red Line, there is the suggestion that war itself can be profound- that you can 'find' yourself in the chaos. One of the characters becomes completely detached from the war, deserts the army and wanders around seemingly experiencing a daily epiphany like Saint Paul on acid. Meanwhile director Terrence Malick uses endless, silent shots of beautiful forests making the film a very curious hybrid of a war film and a meditation on nature. It comes in at a bladder-challenging three and a half hours, but is well worth the effort.
While those two would probably be my favourite war films, I have a curious choice that would definitely make the top five- the Sam Mendes film jarhead set in the first gulf war. It's curious because its a war film without any war. After the soldiers have been trained and pumped up for months, they get the rug pulled out from under them at the end. Turns out there's not going to be a war after all- the mighty American air force have seen to that (Ground combat in that war lasted about 100 hours)The soldiers are utterly devastated and one of the characters nearly loses his mind with rage as he contemplates the fact that he will not actually be allowed to kill anyone. The army thinks the soldiers are going to be deligted that the war has virtually been called off, but they appear blissfully unaware that they have created monsters.
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Last week Miles Kingston died. He wrote a colummn for The Independent newspaper and he was just about the most eccentric columnist there was. He wrote about whatever tickled his fancy-sometimes it was an elaborate joke or an imaginary conversation or just an anecdote. It was always smart and funny and I always looked forward to reading them. I think many readers found his output a bit odd and weren't quite sure how to take his short, rambling pieces but his sheer longevity as a writer testified to the fact that quite a few people got it at least. R.I.P Kingston- you'll be sorely missed
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So there's a new upper-class club in Kigali. B Club doesn't appear to have a motto, but I think it just might be something from a Brett Easton Ellis novel or possibly one of Gordon Gekko's pithy comments in Wall Street.
I haven't been to the club, but what I find fascinating is its war on the proleteriat. The prices are not only eyewatering, but liable to get you an appointment with an eye specialist after prolonged exposure. You cant walk in wearing sneakers. Who would ever have pictured the humble sneaker as being on the frontline of a class war? Not yours truly. Meanwhile you can get snapped at for not being ostentatious enough once you are admitted in. If you arent making paper planes with 5,000 francs and tossing them gleefully at the waiters then the management consider you a lost cause.
Pretty soon, to get in you will need to get a stamp marked ELITE on your forehead after filling in a questionnaire. Ordering any drinks above 10,000 francs will result in the instant delivery of 5,000 volts of electricity to your person. Everyone present will then wallow in the deep, cooling waters of elitism while waiters hover menacingly with cattle prods to ensure the proper preservation of decorum. It's a brave new world. I for one can hardly wait...

Real men don't eat watermelon with their mouths wide open

Here is a conundrum- what happens if a whole group of people standing for President all claim to be the 'change' candidates?
Having kept an eye on the US Presidential Primaries-and giving myself a wedgie by sitting firmly on the fence- I've been slightly irritated by all the 'winds of change' sentiments. Hillary Clinton is the 'change' candidate, no wait Barack Obama is the REAL agent of change and bringing politics with 'a difference' but no, hang onto your shorts-Mick Huckabee is the man who will bring a change to the White House. Did I mention everyone else and their dog is going to be the 'change' candidate? There's so much 'change' in the air that it brings one inevitable result- change is now boring. If everyone is the 'change' candidate, its hardly going to be an inspiring slogan for anyone is it? And doesnt that make the status quo sound exciting just for being different?
To bring even more clarity into the proceedings, Hillary said the other day that she was 'The product of changes that have already occured" So will she continue these changes or bring completely different ones to the table? And if she reacts against the 'changes' that have shaped her, is she claiming those changes were wrong? And if they aren't, then why should she change things if the earlier changes have made her who she is today?
Please God- please make it stop. Make them all just go away.
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What do the Kenyan riots and a report on Britain's obesity crisis have in common?
A few months ago a study in the UK backed by 'experts' concluded that- and I quote because I saved the document and re-read it in disbelief many, many times-'individuals can no longer be held responsible for obesity'. The Government had to act to prevent Britain 'sleepwalking into a crisis.'
Yes you read that right- obese people are not responsible for their condition. Turns out it's the Government's fault and only the Government can do something about it- what a twist! I dont think I saw it coming. Meanwhile the Government has pledged to draw up an 'anti obesity strategy'- you really couldn't make it up. I wonder what genius that strategy will contain? Could I be arrogant enough to sum it up in one sentence- STOP EATING SO MUCH JUNK FOOD, PEOPLE.
And as I bask in the glow of my brilliant solution to Britain's health crisis, I also stop to wonder about Kenya. As mobs go on the rampage and loot, rape and burn everything in their path, they can be safe that its not their fault. Oh no, its all the politicians fault- they made them do it.
That's the only conclusion I can draw from reading the letters and opinion pieces in The Daily Nation which has spent the entire period condemning the politicians for all the chaos and savagery. Funny, I dont think I've read anyone even condemning the sick people carrying out these attacks. The concept of personal responsibility here is completely absent just like the obesity report claiming people are not to blame for getting fat. It's all 'Mr Odinga only YOU can change this!' or 'Mr Kibaki, you will be held responsible for everything that happens.' In my ignorance, I had been unaware that a rigged election gives people the right to do whatever evil they want and then blame the injustice on the election. Truly bizzare.
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I watched I am Legend last night and it was a bit disappointing. It was a decent film, but the whole thing just left me a bit cold I guess mainly because I'm a big fan of the book it is based on. (SPOILERS AHEAD- IF YOU HAVENT SEEN THE FILM YOU MIGHT WANT TO STOP READING NOW)
Now I'm not trying to suggest that films based on books should always be adapted exactly the way they are, but the film turned out to be a lot less dark than the book and this is because of three main reasons. One- in the book, the circumstances of his wife's death are completely different- suffice to say she becomes one of the vampires later on. Secondly- in the book, they know where he lives and every night they come to his house and torment him (including his wife who is now one of the undead) This makes his predicament and the horror of the situation much more real and its a pity the film doesnt use this part of the book. In the film, they only discover his house after more than an hour.
And probably my most important gripe is with the ending of the film which I really hate. The book's ending was very dark and the main character dies in a completely different way but one thats central to why the book is called 'I am Legend'. To cut a long story short(ish), his hunting of vampires in the book leads to him unknowingly killing some who have been able to control the disease by taking some pills. Basically they aren't really the enemy. They eventually capture him and are ready to execute him before a sympathizer gives him some pills to take his own life. That's why the book is called 'I am Legend'- because he has become a legend to the vampires in the same way that vampires were a legend to humans before the global pandemic makes vampires reality. He is hated and feared by both groups- the vampires and the 'others'. In the film, they explain the title with a very annoying 'its all going to be alright' narration by one of the survivors at the end. I think its mainly the ending that really turned me off the film.

Red light indicates doors are secure

A few months ago an unruly University student heckled former presidential candidate John Kerry. He got so rowdy that campus police moved in to calm him and as they subdued him he shouted out "Dont tase me bro!" They duly did and the boy became a pop-culture icon. That sentence is probably going to be around long after we are all gone- mocked on youtube, emblazoned on T-shirts and yelled in schools and bars around the world mainly by drunken youth.
How do things like that catch on? I've always been interested in how memes spread. How does a funny but undistinguished line like the one I've discussed suddenly become a significant piece of pop culture?
With pop music, we saw one good example with Rihanna's Umbrella-an incredibly annoying song that spread with the lethal obsessiveness of a virus. The beauty of it was the utter simplicity of the 'ella-ella' bit. Simple but effective- even a three year old kid could sing along and so everyone was doing precisely that. Sean Kingston did the same thing with Me love-take some very basic sounds (uh oh oh oh oh oh) repeat over and over and sit back in satisfaction. The trick is-you have to be able to hum it, it has to have a lot of vowels and all the little kids have to be able to join in. I can't help but have a sneaky admiration for these people.
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The other day I saw an advert for BCR (Commercial Bank of Rwanda) in the papers. There was a picture of a man eating a melon and the tagline was HOW DO YOU EAT A MELON?
I thought: delightful- Rwanda's first post-modern advert. A few weeks ago I'd read a Spiked article in which a guy attacked these 'meaningless' post-modern adverts (He was especially annoyed with a Cadbury's advert in England which shows a gorilla playing drums to a Phil Collins song)He was wondering- whats the connection? But I thought that was exactly the point. There was no connection and thats what made the advert brilliant. Every ad is basically the same trying to link the brand to 'quality' and 'class' and all that. Cadbury's was like the anti-advert and I liked that.
So that's why I was excited about the BCR ad- it seemed surreal and funny and it was appealing precisely because it had no obvious connection with the Bank. Sadly the other day, I discovered a billboard that 'completed' the story. Turns out the answer to the melon question was '..piece by piece' It was a let-down- I wish BCR had left the ad exactly the way it was to baffle and amuse us for the rest of the year. Sadly they had to give us closure.
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From the department of obviousness comes this headline from The New Times- POVERTY DRIVES THE POOR AFRICAN CHILD TO EUROPE. You dont say! Someone also told me the Pope is a Catholic and hangs out on his balcony a lot but those reports remain unverified at this point.
The paper is annoying me a lot these days. The article I just referenced above suggested that Africans who voluntarily went to Europe and did menial jobs were participating in the worst slavery in the history of mankind- appaarently the actual slaves who were packed onto slaveships centuries ago and then sold like cattle and kept in chains didnt have it so bad compared to the Nigerian guy cleaning the toilets in London. Brilliant- I love me some hyperbole in the morning. Furthermore the author mocks GDP and GNP gauges ('superficial' apparently) noting that as long as there are poor people in the country, those measures dont matter. Erm, actually they do matter dude- a hell of a lot. These are presumably the first people who will be crowing about how well Rwanda is doing when the World Bank releases figures which indicate our economy is-to use a technical expression- kicking some serious ass.
And then Shyaka Kanuma informs us a few days later that we should do away with democracy because apparently it isnt 'home-grown'. Good idea- lets get rid of everything that hasnt been created by Africans! I open the floor to nominations- Mr Kanuma can take his pick first. Maybe we can also get rid of this pesky human rights-thingy- after all thats just a legacy of colonialism right? This could be fun- anyone want to join me?
Its strange to see someone advocating for the removal of democracy because of the violence in Kenya. Did democracy cause that violence? Of course not- it didnt create that murderous tribalism thats torn apart the country. The whole article is one of those cultural relativism pieces I hate- its the same mentality that says we should understand why Saudi Arabia oppresses women because its 'their culture' and we shouldnt force-feed them things like equality or fairness. The problem with Africa has never been too much democracy but rather too little and dictators holding sham elections does not say anything about the system-it says a lot about the leaders instead. His idea is replacing it with a 'forum for political parties' to hold discussions and come up with a 'common position.' Of course that could only end well....
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Watched Mirrormask- one of those films that make you glad to be alive. It might be too weird for most people-it is very odd- and it starts off slow but it gets a lot better and becomes a kind of Alice in Wonderland adventure thats very charming and the twist is a clever one. Highly recommended for anyone who wants to see something very different.