Thinking in herds

"I don't dig white chicks" My friend announced gravely.
I turned around and looked at him warily. For starters I had been unaware that my friend was racist but I was even more surprised to discover that he had some sort of standards when it came to women. I was also quite disturbed by his use of the word 'chicks'- I had assumed it had been buried in the late nineties in an unmarked grave but now here it was rearing its ugly head in a conversation that was-to say the least- quite an ambush.
What had prompted his remark had been spotting Sunny and I talking to a group of girls from England. We were at Kigali nite at the worst party any of us had ever attended ("I've been to better funerals" Sunny announced cheerfully- I was afraid to ask for details)and we had ended up talking to this group of girls who had come all the way from England to deal with disabled kids.
"You do know we were just making conversation right?" I told him "And besides what's your problem with them exactly?"
"Man, haven't you seen Roots?" He asked.
I had indeed watched Roots but evidently there were lessons I had missed "So what lessons does Roots hold for us here?" I asked "That white women are evil?" I was in a smart-ass mood mainly because I was not drinking as a result of an epic hangover the day before.
He made a sort of strangled sound and reached for his beer.
But I pressed on "Haven't you heard Martin Luther King's 'I have a dream' speech?" I asked "I think that's a lot more relevant here. Or are you saying that Martin Luther King was full of shit? If so, please make you position clear now"
He made another strangled sound sounding a bit exasperated and said something that was instantly forgotten by the two of us. I sat back satisfied that I had done something vital for race relations. Surely my kudos would not be long in arriving?
***
"I think Steve wants to fuck me" Sunny announced seriously.
Needless to say this sentence caught our attention. The laughing started in a matter of seconds. One or two people choked on their drinks.
Sunny's theory was based on the somewhat dubious behaviour of a friend of ours. Apparently he had undermined just about every relationship Sunny had been in- 'stabbing me in the back' as Sunny put it crossly. One incident in particular which I can't go into right now had become almost legendary in our group. This is why he had reached this somewhat surprising conclusion.
"Maybe I should give him some booty so he can leave my relationships alone in the future" He countinued. We all laughed at the Brokeback mountain angle. Sunny was on a roll as indeed he had been earlier with our new-found English friends.
***
"We are getting old" My friend says earnestly looking a bit drunk "You know that? Have you been thinking about it? None of us are young anymore"
***
"Man staying sober is a hustle" My friend announced gravely.
We were at MTN- a place which was once the heartbeat of Kigali but which is now a lot less vibrant. The friend in question was the same one who had earlier announced that Roots had put him off white women. However his latest announcement was spot-on- staying sober was indeed a hustle.
We'd been out drinking the previous night and our hangovers had been so intense that we had sworn off alcohol for the next few days. I had drank nothing but sodas for the first few hours until a friend forcibly got me a drink and then the trend continued. Sitting at the counter later nursing my coke, someone had popped by and emptied about a third of a Uganda waragi bottle into my glass before dancing away gleefully. The same thing had happened to my friend a few seconds later. No matter where you turned, someone was trying their dammnest to steer you away from sobriety.
Sunny had recently found God and as a result had sworn off drinking (conveniently skipping the part in the bible where Jesus not only turns water into wine but passes the contents around the table for everyone to have their share) but sobriety was not being kind to him. He talked as if he was suffering from Tourettes syndrome- he just said the first thing that came into his head and it was rarely the appropriate thing. At one point he had asked the English girls how to make the sign for 'fuck you' in sign language. Now honestly- in what context would it be appropriate to tell a deaf person this? Fred had instantly stuck out his middle finger "It's universal!" He announced laughing.
So we sat there at the counter shaking our heads. All we wanted to do was drink a coke. Where was all this alcohol coming from?
***
Those two days over the weekend had been the exception- I spend most of my days home reading and listening to radio. I've found plenty of things to chew over mainly on radio. Where else can you hear a woman solemnly declare that "When love and the economy mix, there is a big problem?" (Radio Sirus) and where else can you hear the following conversation (This was Radio 10)
Reporter: Do you accept the second goal?"
Coach: I don't accept the second goal but he accepted it so we have to accept it but I don't accept it at all"
And I hope Radio Sirus can explain their use of music during a critical point of their relationship advice show. As the woman announced that "We are here to help you improve your relationship and love better" the song in the background was a certain Ying Yang Twins hit. At the very moment she made this annoucement, one could clearly hear the words "Wait till you see my..." Subliminal advertising?
Most bizzare sentence of the week is courtesy of Harry Sagara of The monitor "Why do Ugandans relish in building anthills out of moles?" No I don't think anyone is doing that Sagara- not even metaphorically.