Running to stand still
This week: Oprah Winfrey, T-Pain, Caitlin Moran and whatever pops up in the next twenty minutes.
I was watching Oprah Winfrey the other night, not because I like it-I've had bowel movements more entertaining than a typical hour of that show- but because I derive a strange fascination from watching the God-like status this woman has with millions of people. I don't loathe her, but I have a kind of powerful apathy towards her- I would call it apathy in neutral's clothing.
Still she can be tremendously annoying as I discovered when watching this particular show which was about ‘the secret’. Two guys were on the show telling the audience how they can change their lives if they followed the secret. The universe would give them what they wanted if they had the right mindset, if they ‘stopped struggling’ and just went with their ‘natural flow’, if they said things like ‘I forgive you’ to people who had wronged them, if they stayed positive. It was a spectacular display of bullshit and Oprah punctuated the whole thing with quotes like ‘Exactly!’ and ‘That’s how you find your inner self and let go of all the baggage that’s holding you down to become the kind of person you were meant to be’ or something along those lines. I cant remember it in detail because the whole thing was so painful it was like a near-death experience. My life was flashing before my eyes.
Now I know I’m going to sound like a smart-ass, but surely this is one big con? Here are just a few of the problems I had with the whole thing:
‘Life should not be a struggle’: Oprah said something like ‘Life is not supposed to be a struggle- just relax and you’ll be steered towards your destiny’ but that’s bullshit because life is a struggle every single step of the way. We struggle to make ends meet, to impress others, to stay morally upright, to avoid disappointing people, to make something of ourselves…everything is a struggle whether consciously or not. Telling people to just let things flow and not struggle to get to where they want to be is completely baffling. Also why does Oprah or any of those guys think that the ‘current’ or whatever they call it is naturally benign? Why is there an automatic assumption that if you let the natural course have its way- if you don’t struggle against what the universe wants for you- then the end result will make you a better person? What if that natural current is actually malevolent or at least completely neutral? And how on earth can you even tell what it is?
‘The Universe will give you what you want’: How does this work then? How can the universe respond to you in any way? There is a huge fallacy at the heart of that assumption- that you can have some kind of dialogue with the Universe or that it can in any way respond to whatever lifestyle changes you make. You might as well expect your chair to do that or your towel.
The Expert fallacy: “That man on TV says he is an expert on this kind of thing so I believe him. That woman on the TV also says he is an expert so clearly he must have something important to say.” You know Fox News also showcases experts- the majority of them are gibbering idiots. That’s why opinion polls suggest that a large number of Americans believe Saddam Hussein was linked to 9/11. The man on TV said so.
Oprah as God: There is something seriously disturbing about the way people revere Oprah. Its almost like a religion- her words are sacred- witness the way every book recommendation causes a stampede. When she goes on and on about the way we need to buy this book to achieve inner peace and become better people, it’s like God offering his followers a Bible. It’s all very creepy.
The placebo effect: ‘Well if people’s lives have been changed by the secret then how can it be bullshit?’ I hear you ask ‘The facts don’t lie’ Actually they can if you don’t know what you are looking for. Placebos have been known to achieve a remarkable degree of success in patients which shows the powerful effect that the right psychological mindset can achieve. In a strange way, the secret actually renders itself redundant. It tells people 'you can do it, if you set your mind to do it' so what it actually does is show that people dont actually need the secret. All it does is provide the false assumption that it is showing people the way but what it really reveals is our ability to-forgive me for getting too technical here-'sort shit out'. The Secret is just a placebo.
'No one ever gets rich by going after the money'- Oprah actually said this with a straight face. Maybe she was trying to be funny in a Jimmy Carr deadpan kind of way but I suspect she was being sincere when she said that. The bullshit quotient of the show sky-rocketed at this point and I began to look wildly for the exit, groping through the fog and hoping to God I'd make it in time. STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!
The worthy ones: What does the secret say about those who have tried honestly and valiantly but failed anyway? It somehow suggests a hierachy of worthiness- those with the positive Polyanna mindset deserve success while those who don't have it, presumably deserve what they get.
Obviousness: The theory as a whole is crap, but at its heart it contains a single, glaringly obvious idea-" Be positive because that will help you in life" Wow- that's revolutionary! Wonder why no one has ever thought of that before?
*****
T-Pain and Flo-Rida's contribution to modern culture Low (Chorus: "She hit the floor...next thing you know...shorty got low, low low...") made me think not only about the blatant mind-boggling stupidity of today's music, but in which fearless direction it might be pushed.
Shorty got low 2: Shorty got lower- Witnesses confirmed that shorty had got even lower than last time. "It was definitely much lower-I'd say 15 or so inches" said a Bottom-shaking expert "She was definitely making a point" Many agreed "You remember how low she got last time? That was NOTHING man!" one observer said "The last time I saw something like this was the moon landing of 1969" a veteran observer added, his eyes still glazed over.
Shorty got low 3: Even lower than last time- "I know it's hard to believe but you just had to be there" said the observers "She got so low that we all went woah!"
Presidential candidate Barack Obama chipped in "I think how low this shorty went reminds us of what we can do if we all remain united" He said in a speech "She has reminded us through the unifying power of booty that YES WE CAN!"
Feminist Germaine Greer said that this was the most powerful display of feminism since the publication of 'The Feminist mystique' "It's obvious that her angle of descent was directly proportional to the rising power of the women's movement for equality" She said.
Documentary-maker Nick Broomfield had a slightly different take on matters "I think this was a wonderful dissection of the war on Iraq" He said "She got low to protest Bush's criminal foreign policy."
Reknown atheist Richard Dawkins also pitched in "Where is your God now?" He said mockingly "I think this proves once and for all that evolution accounts for how we are here. When I saw how low she got, it was obvous to me that natural selection had ensured that women could get low so as to attract a mate."
T-Pain admitted that he had been mistaken in the initial single Low "The song was released on the assumption that she had gone as low as it was possible to go" He said "But clearly we were mistaken" He however defended the initial hit as in line with his thinking at the time and condemned those who said he had no exit strategy "I thought it through very carefully" He said "You dont just write a song about a woman shaking her booty without doing a lot of profound thinking. I read a bit of Confucius before I wrote the lyrics. He inspired me."
***
I'm a fairly lazy and unserious blogger. Almost every single blog post I've ever written came out in a 15 minute frenzy during my lunch break and I rarely read over it for mistakes. I guess I worry that if I read too closely, it will kind of crumble before my eyes and become inconsequential. In any case, I call it 'The White Stripes guide to writing' (after the cult group The White Stripes who go for a raw, under-produced sound in their music) That's why I'm usually too lazy to even link to articles of interest although I always want to. I'm certainly not going to start now, but I will quote from the best article I read last week. It's by Caitlin Moran from The Times and it's called 'Forget Tantra- my mantra is thirteen minutes or less'. Moran is so funny, she almost makes me weep. Here are a few choice quotes from the article in question- possibly the funniest thing I've read all year. I think she is England's answer to Dave Barry or Woody Allen back when he actually used to be funny. Below are excerpts:
Big news from what we could refer to as “the sexual realm”. Despite decades of insistence that all the best sex lasts 15 hours, spans a minimum of nine positions and has both parties hammering dementedly away at each other's nether regions like a pair of autistic woodpeckers, it seems the truth is a little different. Well, totally different. According to a poll of 50 sex therapists, the most desirable sex lasts, in actual fact, mere minutes. Between 3 and 13, optimally. Or, to break it down another way, a span somewhere between Penny Lane and the second half of an episode of My Family. The time it takes to get from Finchley Road to Wembley Park. Barely enough time to toast a muffin.
It should be made clear that, apparently, this paradigmatic shag snack does not include foreplay. Nor does it include the enigmatically named “afterplay” - something that, presumably, in some manner of sexual paradise, would consist of snuggling, reverential caressing and pleasingly stupefied recitation of love poetry, but which, in actuality, comprises three minutes of lying flat on your back, going “Arrrr, that was smashing”, then a sleepy exchange vis-à-vis the location of the cat, and whether the central heating has been left on or not.
No, it doesn't include any of that. None of it. This 3-to-13-minutes statistic is devoted purely to the central, core, essential, elemental, no-frills act of jiggy-jiggy. And, I for one, am greatly cheered by the whole thing. I am hugely in favour of the “capsule poke”, as we could perhaps start referring to it. I dislike shilly-shallying in all matters, and see no reason to make an exception when it comes to extreme rudeness. From a health and safety standpoint alone, there are huge problems with a lengthy rut. We are, after all, dealing with fairly fragile areas of the human body here. Frankly, I find the concept of these night-long marathons baffling. Whenever I read one of those News of the World “We made love all night long” kiss'n'tell scoops, the logistics of it terrify me. Loving all night long would, surely, be equivalent to rubbing the tip of your nose between two pork chops for 19 hours. Essentially, it's an abrasive act. I can't see how you wouldn't injure yourself terribly.
Similarly, whilecertainly a great fan of “sexual intercourse” - I find it a refreshing alternative to both arguments and jogging, and believe it to be the only civilised way to end a game of Scrabble - life is, tragically, short. Very short. However wonderful being borne aloft on the wings of ecstasy, etc, may be, there are also an awful lot of Neil Finn albums to get through, hats to wear, air-guitar to play, anecdotes to tell, and clips of cats falling off things on YouTube to watch. I don't believe that these activities are necessarily better than physically uniting with a loved/drunken one. It's just that I wouldn't sacrifice them in favour of 19 hours of a really quite repetitive act. Honestly, if you can't achieve what you set out to do in half an hour or less, it's possible that you just might not be doing it properly. I'd check all available diagrams, and try again.
I'm in awe, I really am.
****
A sentence I came across at work last week- "Salary is my own life-based tool for survival". Priceless.
****
Aside from House- which I've blogged about already- another show that I've been savouring lately is Aaron Sorkin's The West Wing. It's razor sharp, clever and has moments of such exquisite wit that you want to frame them and hang them up on your wall. It's a very political show so it's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's brilliant.
One thing it gets spot-on is the sheer mundane nature of day-to-day life. It takes those moments and makes them sweet and almost profound. So many little things pop up-brief chats or references to inconsequential things that have nothing to do with the plot but that make the show achingly realistic. It could be something as mundane as a good donut or coffee that never arrives but such tiny dramas make a huge difference. They make the show even more engrossing because of how wonderfully it captures all the little details of getting through the day while having faith in their audience not getting bored by it. It astonishes me how well they do it.
I was watching Oprah Winfrey the other night, not because I like it-I've had bowel movements more entertaining than a typical hour of that show- but because I derive a strange fascination from watching the God-like status this woman has with millions of people. I don't loathe her, but I have a kind of powerful apathy towards her- I would call it apathy in neutral's clothing.
Still she can be tremendously annoying as I discovered when watching this particular show which was about ‘the secret’. Two guys were on the show telling the audience how they can change their lives if they followed the secret. The universe would give them what they wanted if they had the right mindset, if they ‘stopped struggling’ and just went with their ‘natural flow’, if they said things like ‘I forgive you’ to people who had wronged them, if they stayed positive. It was a spectacular display of bullshit and Oprah punctuated the whole thing with quotes like ‘Exactly!’ and ‘That’s how you find your inner self and let go of all the baggage that’s holding you down to become the kind of person you were meant to be’ or something along those lines. I cant remember it in detail because the whole thing was so painful it was like a near-death experience. My life was flashing before my eyes.
Now I know I’m going to sound like a smart-ass, but surely this is one big con? Here are just a few of the problems I had with the whole thing:
‘Life should not be a struggle’: Oprah said something like ‘Life is not supposed to be a struggle- just relax and you’ll be steered towards your destiny’ but that’s bullshit because life is a struggle every single step of the way. We struggle to make ends meet, to impress others, to stay morally upright, to avoid disappointing people, to make something of ourselves…everything is a struggle whether consciously or not. Telling people to just let things flow and not struggle to get to where they want to be is completely baffling. Also why does Oprah or any of those guys think that the ‘current’ or whatever they call it is naturally benign? Why is there an automatic assumption that if you let the natural course have its way- if you don’t struggle against what the universe wants for you- then the end result will make you a better person? What if that natural current is actually malevolent or at least completely neutral? And how on earth can you even tell what it is?
‘The Universe will give you what you want’: How does this work then? How can the universe respond to you in any way? There is a huge fallacy at the heart of that assumption- that you can have some kind of dialogue with the Universe or that it can in any way respond to whatever lifestyle changes you make. You might as well expect your chair to do that or your towel.
The Expert fallacy: “That man on TV says he is an expert on this kind of thing so I believe him. That woman on the TV also says he is an expert so clearly he must have something important to say.” You know Fox News also showcases experts- the majority of them are gibbering idiots. That’s why opinion polls suggest that a large number of Americans believe Saddam Hussein was linked to 9/11. The man on TV said so.
Oprah as God: There is something seriously disturbing about the way people revere Oprah. Its almost like a religion- her words are sacred- witness the way every book recommendation causes a stampede. When she goes on and on about the way we need to buy this book to achieve inner peace and become better people, it’s like God offering his followers a Bible. It’s all very creepy.
The placebo effect: ‘Well if people’s lives have been changed by the secret then how can it be bullshit?’ I hear you ask ‘The facts don’t lie’ Actually they can if you don’t know what you are looking for. Placebos have been known to achieve a remarkable degree of success in patients which shows the powerful effect that the right psychological mindset can achieve. In a strange way, the secret actually renders itself redundant. It tells people 'you can do it, if you set your mind to do it' so what it actually does is show that people dont actually need the secret. All it does is provide the false assumption that it is showing people the way but what it really reveals is our ability to-forgive me for getting too technical here-'sort shit out'. The Secret is just a placebo.
'No one ever gets rich by going after the money'- Oprah actually said this with a straight face. Maybe she was trying to be funny in a Jimmy Carr deadpan kind of way but I suspect she was being sincere when she said that. The bullshit quotient of the show sky-rocketed at this point and I began to look wildly for the exit, groping through the fog and hoping to God I'd make it in time. STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!
The worthy ones: What does the secret say about those who have tried honestly and valiantly but failed anyway? It somehow suggests a hierachy of worthiness- those with the positive Polyanna mindset deserve success while those who don't have it, presumably deserve what they get.
Obviousness: The theory as a whole is crap, but at its heart it contains a single, glaringly obvious idea-" Be positive because that will help you in life" Wow- that's revolutionary! Wonder why no one has ever thought of that before?
*****
T-Pain and Flo-Rida's contribution to modern culture Low (Chorus: "She hit the floor...next thing you know...shorty got low, low low...") made me think not only about the blatant mind-boggling stupidity of today's music, but in which fearless direction it might be pushed.
Shorty got low 2: Shorty got lower- Witnesses confirmed that shorty had got even lower than last time. "It was definitely much lower-I'd say 15 or so inches" said a Bottom-shaking expert "She was definitely making a point" Many agreed "You remember how low she got last time? That was NOTHING man!" one observer said "The last time I saw something like this was the moon landing of 1969" a veteran observer added, his eyes still glazed over.
Shorty got low 3: Even lower than last time- "I know it's hard to believe but you just had to be there" said the observers "She got so low that we all went woah!"
Presidential candidate Barack Obama chipped in "I think how low this shorty went reminds us of what we can do if we all remain united" He said in a speech "She has reminded us through the unifying power of booty that YES WE CAN!"
Feminist Germaine Greer said that this was the most powerful display of feminism since the publication of 'The Feminist mystique' "It's obvious that her angle of descent was directly proportional to the rising power of the women's movement for equality" She said.
Documentary-maker Nick Broomfield had a slightly different take on matters "I think this was a wonderful dissection of the war on Iraq" He said "She got low to protest Bush's criminal foreign policy."
Reknown atheist Richard Dawkins also pitched in "Where is your God now?" He said mockingly "I think this proves once and for all that evolution accounts for how we are here. When I saw how low she got, it was obvous to me that natural selection had ensured that women could get low so as to attract a mate."
T-Pain admitted that he had been mistaken in the initial single Low "The song was released on the assumption that she had gone as low as it was possible to go" He said "But clearly we were mistaken" He however defended the initial hit as in line with his thinking at the time and condemned those who said he had no exit strategy "I thought it through very carefully" He said "You dont just write a song about a woman shaking her booty without doing a lot of profound thinking. I read a bit of Confucius before I wrote the lyrics. He inspired me."
***
I'm a fairly lazy and unserious blogger. Almost every single blog post I've ever written came out in a 15 minute frenzy during my lunch break and I rarely read over it for mistakes. I guess I worry that if I read too closely, it will kind of crumble before my eyes and become inconsequential. In any case, I call it 'The White Stripes guide to writing' (after the cult group The White Stripes who go for a raw, under-produced sound in their music) That's why I'm usually too lazy to even link to articles of interest although I always want to. I'm certainly not going to start now, but I will quote from the best article I read last week. It's by Caitlin Moran from The Times and it's called 'Forget Tantra- my mantra is thirteen minutes or less'. Moran is so funny, she almost makes me weep. Here are a few choice quotes from the article in question- possibly the funniest thing I've read all year. I think she is England's answer to Dave Barry or Woody Allen back when he actually used to be funny. Below are excerpts:
Big news from what we could refer to as “the sexual realm”. Despite decades of insistence that all the best sex lasts 15 hours, spans a minimum of nine positions and has both parties hammering dementedly away at each other's nether regions like a pair of autistic woodpeckers, it seems the truth is a little different. Well, totally different. According to a poll of 50 sex therapists, the most desirable sex lasts, in actual fact, mere minutes. Between 3 and 13, optimally. Or, to break it down another way, a span somewhere between Penny Lane and the second half of an episode of My Family. The time it takes to get from Finchley Road to Wembley Park. Barely enough time to toast a muffin.
It should be made clear that, apparently, this paradigmatic shag snack does not include foreplay. Nor does it include the enigmatically named “afterplay” - something that, presumably, in some manner of sexual paradise, would consist of snuggling, reverential caressing and pleasingly stupefied recitation of love poetry, but which, in actuality, comprises three minutes of lying flat on your back, going “Arrrr, that was smashing”, then a sleepy exchange vis-à-vis the location of the cat, and whether the central heating has been left on or not.
No, it doesn't include any of that. None of it. This 3-to-13-minutes statistic is devoted purely to the central, core, essential, elemental, no-frills act of jiggy-jiggy. And, I for one, am greatly cheered by the whole thing. I am hugely in favour of the “capsule poke”, as we could perhaps start referring to it. I dislike shilly-shallying in all matters, and see no reason to make an exception when it comes to extreme rudeness. From a health and safety standpoint alone, there are huge problems with a lengthy rut. We are, after all, dealing with fairly fragile areas of the human body here. Frankly, I find the concept of these night-long marathons baffling. Whenever I read one of those News of the World “We made love all night long” kiss'n'tell scoops, the logistics of it terrify me. Loving all night long would, surely, be equivalent to rubbing the tip of your nose between two pork chops for 19 hours. Essentially, it's an abrasive act. I can't see how you wouldn't injure yourself terribly.
Similarly, whilecertainly a great fan of “sexual intercourse” - I find it a refreshing alternative to both arguments and jogging, and believe it to be the only civilised way to end a game of Scrabble - life is, tragically, short. Very short. However wonderful being borne aloft on the wings of ecstasy, etc, may be, there are also an awful lot of Neil Finn albums to get through, hats to wear, air-guitar to play, anecdotes to tell, and clips of cats falling off things on YouTube to watch. I don't believe that these activities are necessarily better than physically uniting with a loved/drunken one. It's just that I wouldn't sacrifice them in favour of 19 hours of a really quite repetitive act. Honestly, if you can't achieve what you set out to do in half an hour or less, it's possible that you just might not be doing it properly. I'd check all available diagrams, and try again.
I'm in awe, I really am.
****
A sentence I came across at work last week- "Salary is my own life-based tool for survival". Priceless.
****
Aside from House- which I've blogged about already- another show that I've been savouring lately is Aaron Sorkin's The West Wing. It's razor sharp, clever and has moments of such exquisite wit that you want to frame them and hang them up on your wall. It's a very political show so it's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's brilliant.
One thing it gets spot-on is the sheer mundane nature of day-to-day life. It takes those moments and makes them sweet and almost profound. So many little things pop up-brief chats or references to inconsequential things that have nothing to do with the plot but that make the show achingly realistic. It could be something as mundane as a good donut or coffee that never arrives but such tiny dramas make a huge difference. They make the show even more engrossing because of how wonderfully it captures all the little details of getting through the day while having faith in their audience not getting bored by it. It astonishes me how well they do it.
posted by Minzo at 5:24 AM
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