Thierry Henry, the limits of pacifism and the bully who drew pictures with me

There was a time I thought Thierry Henry was a gentleman and a good role-model and I quite liked him. And then three things happened: first there was that infamous interview after Arsenal’s champions League final defeat in which he came across as a complete asshole (and interestingly said "I am not a woman- I don't dive" which would haunt him later). Then there was that time against Spain in the world cup when he went down clutching his face even though replays showed that Carlos Puyol had lightly brushed against his chest.
And then last weekend we saw the ugly side of Henry in all its…erm, glory. First he performed possibly the most incompetent dive I’ve ever seen in the decade or so I’ve been watching football- the defender was nowhere near him and he just crumbled in the box just as the ball ran into play. Then later on he goaded Wigan’s goalie Chris Kirkland when Arsenal scored the equalizer by virtually shoving the ball in his face. Kirkland’s mistake had been to be guilty of timewasting. By the end of that game- which Arsenal tragically won- I wanted someone to run up to Henry and just kick him for the hell of it.
Most people would call me a pacifist and indeed I’ve been laughed at many times for trying desperately to dodge fights that my friends have started or tried to start (I’m talking about you Adam) but occasionally just giving people a mighty kick can solve problems. When I was in Kampala Kindergarten- think of Dante’s inferno and you have a fairly good idea of what it was like- there was this Indian kid who used to bully me called Jagdip Singh. I was a loner at the time and so timid and quiet that one of my teachers thought I was a retard. However Singh used to follow me around and just do my head in. One day I snapped and kicked him- right in the face. He ran crying to the teacher and although she said she would punish me, she never did. Jagdip never bothered me again although in a clear case of karma he ended up sitting near me in Nakasero when I was in P.4. I’ve never hit anyone again after that, but kicking him in the face was one of the most satisfying things that has ever happened to me.
Anyway about two years later I had joined Nakasero Primary School (“we work for progress”) and was sitting at the back of a class that contained at least 120 children. I was still a bit of a loner which is why it is a bit surprising that I wasn’t being picked on by the bullies. These guys were all in my class and were led by a guy called Jonathan Kyeyune who walked around with the kind of swagger that James Cagney would have been proud of. I certainly was not going to kick any of these guys in the face if they decided to tease me but for some reason they left me alone and went around shoving and taunting other less fortunate kids. It seems I didn’t have any karma to burn off after all.
Then one day midway through the academic year, the teacher broke up their little group and Jonathan was ordered to go and sit at the back right next to me. Suddenly my little haven by the window was as appealing as the culinary options on Fear factor. Jonathan came over and slouched next to me. I gave him a very breezy ‘hi’ and he gave me a look that would have curdled milk. I wisely kept my mouth shut after that.
And then something weird happened- we sort of became friends. When I was bored I used to draw pictures of footballers because my big brother was always cutting them out of newspapers and sticking them in his large blue album. I was- and still am- probably the worst artist in the history of mankind but I loved to draw the players on the back of my book. Jonathan became intrigued and started doing the same thing. Pretty soon we were swapping tips and giggling at the back. He later got beaten for those drawings (and he came back to his seat actually crying) and I escaped so this kind of soured relations between us for a little while. Again I was in no-man’s land- what if he suddenly decided to start bullying me?
And then another thing happened. Our teacher Miss Serunjogi was a fierce looking woman who looked like she would attack you with a bowl of noodles. However I liked her immensely so I think I was putting in a fair bit of work in class. That’s the only explanation I can think for a comment she made one day. She asked the class to spell a word and there was a deathly silence. She looked around the class patiently and the seconds ticked by slowly and awkwardly.
And then I found myself putting up my hand. She picked me and I spelled it correctly.
“Class” she said “From today I want everyone to call Minega ‘computer’” Everyone turned around to look at me. And that was it- with that endorsement there was no way Jonathan would change his mind and turn nasty. The comment not only boosted my confidence to no end, but it became my invisible bodyguard. Jonathan and I were never truly friends in the conventional sense but he never did kick my ass and that was as sure a sign of friendship as you were going to get in P.1. I was genuinely gutted when I heard that Miss Serungogi had died and i still wonder what happened to Jonathan. After the travails of kindergarten, a throwaway comment by a teacher and badly drawn football pictures had finally given me some meaning in life.