The great indoors/ the boy has got no biscuits
My little sister loves the Africa Magic channel so I occasionally find myself watching a bit of it. Now I know I've dissed them in the past and I might do so again in a few sentences to come but I do appreciate that they are putting in an effort. Besides Rwanda doesn't have its own film industry so those in glass houses should hang onto their stones.
Pressing the 'i' button on your DSTV remote opens up a world of possibilities when you are flicking through Africa magic. Recently I was somewhat intrigued by a film called 'black bra' so I pressed the 'i' button (I didn't do anything rash like sit down and watch the film) the plot was interesting- the film was about a group of women who are sick and tired of chauvinistic men so they decide to form a society in which they renounce men. Unfortunately one of the women ends up falling for a guy which sets up a showdown between her head and her ovaries. Don't you just hate it when you set up a feminist utopia and then one of the members gets swept off her feet by a guy? It's annoying I imagine. A few weeks ago, the 'i' button revealed the plot of another Nigerian film which sounded like the typical undercover holywood film. However the very first line caught my eye "A cop hates criminals..." Really? That's a new breed of cop! This one sounded more vindictive than Dirty Harry. I could picture him sitting there, his fingers clenched tightly as he boiled in his deep, unceasing hatred for criminals.
Anyway staying in the region, I was watching West African pop idol (is that what they call it?) last night. I hadn't meant to stick around but God help me I did and I was thoroughly entertained. For starters, one of the judges is quite clearly a pretentious dickhead (the skinny one) and I can see the woman in the middle just clenching her teeth and trying hard not to kill him. I think he is the most irritating person I've seen on TV in quite a while. And then we have the acts- dear lord, people are deluded. Surely you should have an idea of what your strengths are? If you can't sing at all, why on earth would you come to the show? I witnessed the worst-and I mean worst- Michael Jackson impersonation of all time. Honestly, sometimes you witness incompetence so epic that you can't help but be in awe. And yes he couldn't sing to save his life. However you cannot believe the delusions of grandeur the guy had, it was simply pathetic. He stood there arrogantly wearing a black glove and an outfit that looked like it had been put together by Stevie Wonder telling us that he was going to make it. Dude, you'll be lucky if you get any kind of employment at all.
And then shortly afterwards we had pretentious twat number two. This guy came on and clearly had a horrible, horrible voice. The judges quite rightly tell him to stop and save himself further humiliation. The guy says "Fuck you!" and storms out. He then delivers a distasteful but comical speech about the way the people in there "don't understand music...especially the lady, she doesn't know anything" He was convinced that his genius had been overlooked and that they only wanted women to go through. Quite frankly this guy should have been arrested for impersonating a human being, nevermind being kicked out of the studios. There are monkeys in Congo clinging to a tree and thinking "Things might be a bit tricky right now, but thank God I'm not that idiot from Pop Idol" The guy was like David Brent from The Office but in a horrifying non-endearing way. I was suprised at how much I loathed him. This morning I was reading Ernest Bazanye's blog and he was saying Uganda needs toilet waiters. I instantly thought of the pop idol guy, but I figured he would be underqualified even for that.
I was always intrigued to discover that the toilet waiters (or is it toilet attendants?) in Reading were always black- almost always Nigerian. Everytime I'd go out to the club and head over to the toilets, they'd be some black dude looking at me as if he expected a tip for being in the vicinity of me taking a pee. When I washed my hands he'd be standing there and he's say "soap?" handing it over to me. Well of course I want soap, but I'd rather just get it myself from the sink. Why on earth are you hiding the soap and then offering it to everyone who shows up washing their hands?
Anyway one night I went out to bar Rissa with some friends and when I went to the loo, I saw one of those guys standing there holding a spray in his hand. He was shouting at the top of his voice "Freshen up for the punani! No spray, no lay!" What he lacked in subtlety he certainly made up for with the presentation. He was charging one pound fifty which was one pound fifty more than I intended to give him.
However a few minutes later, one of the people I went with (yes, I know you are reading this I won't say who you are) showed up. He'd just come out of the loo.
"Did you see that guy in the loo?" I asked him "Nuts"
"Nuts?" My companion exclaimed "I just gave him one pound fifty for a bit of the spray!"
Pressing the 'i' button on your DSTV remote opens up a world of possibilities when you are flicking through Africa magic. Recently I was somewhat intrigued by a film called 'black bra' so I pressed the 'i' button (I didn't do anything rash like sit down and watch the film) the plot was interesting- the film was about a group of women who are sick and tired of chauvinistic men so they decide to form a society in which they renounce men. Unfortunately one of the women ends up falling for a guy which sets up a showdown between her head and her ovaries. Don't you just hate it when you set up a feminist utopia and then one of the members gets swept off her feet by a guy? It's annoying I imagine. A few weeks ago, the 'i' button revealed the plot of another Nigerian film which sounded like the typical undercover holywood film. However the very first line caught my eye "A cop hates criminals..." Really? That's a new breed of cop! This one sounded more vindictive than Dirty Harry. I could picture him sitting there, his fingers clenched tightly as he boiled in his deep, unceasing hatred for criminals.
Anyway staying in the region, I was watching West African pop idol (is that what they call it?) last night. I hadn't meant to stick around but God help me I did and I was thoroughly entertained. For starters, one of the judges is quite clearly a pretentious dickhead (the skinny one) and I can see the woman in the middle just clenching her teeth and trying hard not to kill him. I think he is the most irritating person I've seen on TV in quite a while. And then we have the acts- dear lord, people are deluded. Surely you should have an idea of what your strengths are? If you can't sing at all, why on earth would you come to the show? I witnessed the worst-and I mean worst- Michael Jackson impersonation of all time. Honestly, sometimes you witness incompetence so epic that you can't help but be in awe. And yes he couldn't sing to save his life. However you cannot believe the delusions of grandeur the guy had, it was simply pathetic. He stood there arrogantly wearing a black glove and an outfit that looked like it had been put together by Stevie Wonder telling us that he was going to make it. Dude, you'll be lucky if you get any kind of employment at all.
And then shortly afterwards we had pretentious twat number two. This guy came on and clearly had a horrible, horrible voice. The judges quite rightly tell him to stop and save himself further humiliation. The guy says "Fuck you!" and storms out. He then delivers a distasteful but comical speech about the way the people in there "don't understand music...especially the lady, she doesn't know anything" He was convinced that his genius had been overlooked and that they only wanted women to go through. Quite frankly this guy should have been arrested for impersonating a human being, nevermind being kicked out of the studios. There are monkeys in Congo clinging to a tree and thinking "Things might be a bit tricky right now, but thank God I'm not that idiot from Pop Idol" The guy was like David Brent from The Office but in a horrifying non-endearing way. I was suprised at how much I loathed him. This morning I was reading Ernest Bazanye's blog and he was saying Uganda needs toilet waiters. I instantly thought of the pop idol guy, but I figured he would be underqualified even for that.
I was always intrigued to discover that the toilet waiters (or is it toilet attendants?) in Reading were always black- almost always Nigerian. Everytime I'd go out to the club and head over to the toilets, they'd be some black dude looking at me as if he expected a tip for being in the vicinity of me taking a pee. When I washed my hands he'd be standing there and he's say "soap?" handing it over to me. Well of course I want soap, but I'd rather just get it myself from the sink. Why on earth are you hiding the soap and then offering it to everyone who shows up washing their hands?
Anyway one night I went out to bar Rissa with some friends and when I went to the loo, I saw one of those guys standing there holding a spray in his hand. He was shouting at the top of his voice "Freshen up for the punani! No spray, no lay!" What he lacked in subtlety he certainly made up for with the presentation. He was charging one pound fifty which was one pound fifty more than I intended to give him.
However a few minutes later, one of the people I went with (yes, I know you are reading this I won't say who you are) showed up. He'd just come out of the loo.
"Did you see that guy in the loo?" I asked him "Nuts"
"Nuts?" My companion exclaimed "I just gave him one pound fifty for a bit of the spray!"
posted by Minzo at 2:01 AM
2 Comments:
There are monkeys in Congo clinging to a tree and thinking "Things might be a bit tricky right now, but thank God I'm not that idiot from Pop Idol" The guy was like David Brent from The Office but in a horrifying non-endearing way.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA That choked me! You know you freaking rock man!!!
And once again, my day has been made, by you.
A million thank you's!
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